Lost in Mommyland

by Amy Fisher

Before I became a mother, I had a very vivid idea of the kind of parent I wanted to become. First of all, I was not going to lose myself in Mommyland. I’d be laid-back—nurturing yet not to the point of helicopter mom. I’d handle all the parental transitions with ease—from the L&D ward to home, and maternity leave to work. And life would go on just as my husband and I had known it, except that we’d have a precious child with which to share our adventures. Throughout our marriage, my husband and I have always shared a love of all things outdoors and adventure; it’s how we have always connected and made special memories. So when I became pregnant with our first child, we vowed that our lives wouldn’t revolve solely around our baby … she’d fit nicely into our world. She’d simply come with us on climbing trips and 20-mile hikes (as if just tucking the babe in a Camelback was as easy as stashing a Clif bar!) Oh, and I definitely was going to be a stylish mom. No black yoga pants for me, thanks.

But oh, how life can change in a few sacred moments. When your child is born, your world completely turns upside down in the best way possible, and everything you have known about yourself—good and bad—gets stretched and challenged. Your heart cracks wide open, making room for infinite amounts of love for your tiny little someone. And suddenly, little things like the fact that you’re still wearing yesterday’s pants or whether or not your pedicure is chipped seem mundane and meaningless compared to the fact that your baby just smiled at you. It’s a crazy all-consuming, transforming LOVE!

That’s how it was for me, at least. And “consuming” is definitely the keyword here. I dove into motherhood the way I do most things … giving it my all. Maternity leave was 24/7 mama and me time. My daugher, Ella, was the point of my day … learning how to feed her, what her cries meant, discovering her little personality, rocking and soothing her for four months straight as we braved the colic phase, and generally sleeping less than I ever care to in my life. That is how I spent my days, living and breathing baby. Oh and yes, I wore black yoga pants for days on end, shamelessly. By the time I went back to work, I was beyond burned out. I felt out of touch with the outside world, but most of all, I was sorely out of touch with myself.

In my all-consuming attention to my child, I’d neglected attention to me. It didn’t feel healthy anymore. I was adrift in Mommyland and had lost all identity except for Mommy. Suddenly, I knew that in order to become the best version of myself (wife, mom, friend, daughter, co-worker), I needed to reconnect with what really fueled my spirit. The funny thing was, when I tried to come up with just how to do that, my first thought was, “holy crap! What do I like to do these days?”

I figured it out. Running had always been my passion, and doing this one specific ultra-marathon had been a dream of mine ever since I’d heard about it. Bingo! I made a plan to reach my goal of a 50-mile race. So five months out from the big race, I started training. Every Saturday I’d haul all my gels, pumping gear (I was still breastfeeding), and camelback to the trailhead and spend hours on a 5-mile trail loop, stopping every 3 to 4 hours to hop in the car and pump. What seemed easy enough at first was actually a logistics nightmare. My car adapter for the breast pump didn’t work all that great, and I had no good way to store the breast milk until I got home. It was SO much work. Sadly, so much milk was dumped (except on the rare and exciting occasion when my husband would come roaring up to the trailhead with my baby so I could nurse her before her nap). I just recently became the proud owner of a Devyn Bag, and I swear, when I do this again, I am going to have none of these problems. It has a really cool feature (no pun intended) that allows you to store your milk directly from pumping for up to 12 hours. I think the best part is that it has a lot of roomy compartments, which will fit my gear perfectly. Oh and you can wipe it down with a damp cloth and it shines up like new, which is important if you are on a dusty trail (or crowded airplane, or frenzied mall …)

So I did reached the goals I set, the most important one being to reconnect with myself in the midst of motherhood. I learned that once we have a child, Mommy is not our only role, and that in order for me to be happy I need to “do my thing.” I’ve also learned that there are a million ways to be a good mom; motherhood does not look the same on everyone, nor should it. That’s what makes us all amazing women. Running a race was fulfilling for me, but perhaps to someone else, being fulfilled might mean embarking on a new hobby, taking a cool trip, or working your ass off to get that promotion. I hope that we can inspire and encourage one another in our endeavors as women. I encourage you to embrace your MOMentum and go after whatever it is that makes your heart sing.

Amy Fisher is a regular contributor to the Devyn Bag Blog.

If you'd like to share your story, email us at info@thedevynbag.com