Girl Time

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon. The weather is warm and my feet are bare. I stretch out in a lawn chair and gaze at my children entertaining themselves in the yard. Normally, I would be chasing them or involved in some form of play, but it is nice to just be an observer today. I watch the sunlight dance against their olive skin, intermittently painting my toenails, and gingerly sipping a perfectly chilled beer. I feel the sun’s glow on my back, listen to the songs of the birds above me, and realize how very appreciative I am for this exact moment in time. 

My newly painted toenails capture my daughter’s attention, and she crawls onto my lap for a closer look. I peer at her inquisitive expression and ask if she wants her toenails painted too.  She says “toenails” and quickly places her tiny foot in my hand which is her way of saying “yes please.” I give her a little smirk and happily oblige. She is only two years old, and somehow I hadn’t pictured her first pedicure like this. I always envisioned taking her to a children’s salon when she was older – 4 or 5 maybe – as a special treat or rite of passage.  I can see her tiny frame relaxing in the pedicure chair looking all too grown up or at least I can imagine feeling that way. We have a little conversation while she selects the perfect polish and I’m enjoying every minute of this mother daughter time. This is how I visualize it in my head, but as with most things, the reality is different.

Back in the present, I carefully navigate around my daughter’s toes and coat her teeny toenails with light purple polish.  After each toenail is polished, my daughter’s giant eyes gleam as she extends the purest of smiles as if she wishes to thank me along the way. She is clearly thrilled with her colored toenails, and she repeats the word “pretty” over and over again. I sit up in my lawn chair and carefully clean the excess paint off of her delicate skin. Before I can finish, my daughter hastily pulls off her other shoe fearing that I may forget to paint her remaining unpolished toes. I grin and say, “Are you ready for your other toes now?” This time she makes her intentions completely clear with a resound “Yes!” I can tell that she is enjoying every second of the girly attention so I take extra precaution slowly going through the ritual once again.

When the last toenail has been decorated, she eagerly slips off of my lap and runs to show Daddy her pedicure. I watch as she proudly displays her colorful toes, and I can’t help but think that this is better than I envisioned – more distinctive and precious even with it being more ordinary. And this is the thing about being a mother that continually brings me joy; no matter the grandiose daydream, the reality is always better. The simple becomes spectacular, the commonplace becomes unique, and the predictable becomes unpredictable because my children enrich my experiences and that is better than any fantasy.

Embrace Your MOMentum

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Don't Keep Secrets: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse

I walk into what feels like a miniature classroom and squeeze myself into one of the open T-shaped desks. I’m nervous, but I have no reason to be. I look over at my best friend of the past thirty years, she smiles at me, and I realize that she is likely picking up my vibe. She called one evening a few weeks ago and convinced me to attend this seminar because of her experience working as a prosecuting attorney in the crimes against children unit. Knowing her, it is clear that she wishes to protect me and my children from the possibility of future heartache through education, so declining the invitation was out of the question.

The instructor steps up to the podium and brusquely announces that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. To make matters worse, she adds, most abusers are not strangers but rather family, babysitters, or close family friends. I sit up straight in my petite desk and realize that the instructor has captured my complete attention along with every other parent in the room.

The instructor, a childhood victim herself, speaks of the horrors she encountered when someone she knew sexually abused her. She stands bravely in front of the class retelling the painful experiences of her youth, and I suddenly realize why I was nervous. This is scary stuff! It is frightening enough that every parent should hear. She gracefully moves from her anguish to a list of practical and powerful tips to preventing child sexual assault. Below are a few things that you can do to prevent your child from becoming a victim:

1.      Teach your children a NO SECRETS Rule and lead by example. The phrase, “we don’t keep secrets in our family” should be stated and restated just as often as other safety rules are reiterated such as “don’t touch a hot stove.” Sexual abusers try to convince their victims to keep the abuse a secret, and the no secrets rule prevents this from happening. They threaten that if the secret isn’t kept something will happen to them or someone else that they care about, i.e., a family member. Now, you may be thinking: what about if I buy Daddy a gift and I don’t want him to find out, how do I ask my children to comply? The answer is that this is a “surprise” not a secret.

2.      Teach your children that they are the boss of their bodies and others are not allowed to touch their private parts (use the anatomically correct terms) other than a doctor, mommy or daddy when those people are trying to clean, wipe, and/or keep their body healthy. Children with this knowledge are less likely to be victimized.

3.      Teach your children to use anatomically correct terms for their body parts. It is easy to practically incorporate the words vagina or penis into the mix when you are teaching your children about their other body parts, ears, eyes, elbows, knees, etc… The reason being that if your children aren’t using the proper names for their body parts, you may not recognize if they are trying to tell you that they have been sexually abused, i.e., “Grandpa ate my ‘cookie’ when I was at his house.”

I wanted to write this blog for the same reason that my friend wanted me to attend the seminar. Knowledge is power, and every parent should be armed with this knowledge. I can’t fathom the grief and anger that I would experience if I learned that my child had been sexually assaulted. It would be devastating. It is a cruelty that no child or parent should have to bear. My hope is that these three simple tips will keep your children and your hearts safe.  If you wish to learn more prevention tips, you can find information on the workshop that I attended here.

Embrace Your MOMentum