My sister recently gave birth to
her first child. Like all newly-appointed mothers, she is navigating the unfamiliar
waters with bravery. Also like most new mothers, she is trying to answer all of
her pressing motherhood questions alone. Knowing this, I called to check in on
her one morning. I heard the dread in her voice instantly. “What’s wrong?” I
asked. “My boobs are so big and full of milk that I’m having difficulty
nursing,” she answered sheepishly. “My son is screaming with hunger, and I’m
scared that I won’t be able to breastfeed.” That sentence took me back, as I
had the same concern days after my first child was born. I vividly remember frantically
phoning my girlfriend and describing to her my painful, extremely swollen, rock
hard breasts and my inability to breastfeed. It was then that I learned about
engorged breasts and how to remedy. I relayed the story to my sister and heard
the familiar sigh of relief when I gave her the same advice that I had been
given.
A few days later I stopped by my
sister’s house. This time, we discussed her seemingly erratic emotions. “Yesterday,
I felt so confident. I thought I can handle anything motherhood throws at me. Today,
I feel like I’m just terrible at this,” she confessed. Again, I could relate. I
gently reminded her that she had given birth only days ago and that her body
was flush with hormones. “Of course you are feeling irregular right now. Your
body’s hormone levels are all over the map” I assured her. Then, I divulged
that I had cried almost every night in the weeks after my first child was born.
I would put him in his crib for the night, explain to my husband that I needed
to take a bath, sit in the bathtub and sob. In truth, it was the only place
that I felt free to express myself, as I worried that if people were aware of
my sadness they would think me a bad mother or unappreciative of my new baby. It wasn’t until later that I learned that 70%
of new moms suffer from the “baby
blues” after birth.
On my drive home, I started
thinking about the many things that never get discussed despite you and your
doctor’s best intentions during pregnancy. The sleepless hours are certainly mentioned,
but the magnitude of the fatigue, especially during your infant’s first few
months of life, gets lost in translation. The constant worry is acknowledged,
but one can never clearly convey how the worry follows you even when things are
going well. I recollect the terror that I felt the first time my child slept
through a very early morning feeding. I raced to my child’s room worried that
he had passed away in the night and the absolute elation I felt when I found
him sleeping soundly in his crib.
These are the things that are oft
forgotten or rarely discussed during the baby shower, in discussions with
friends and family, or during numerous Doctor’s appointments: being a new
mother is tough! There are countless moments when you simply don’t have the
answer; you don’t know how to stop your child’s tears. There are endless times
when you question your judgment even when you believe you have found the right
answer. There are many instances when an unintended comment or some unsolicited
advice will make you feel like you’re a terrible mother. However, in between all of the tough times,
there are an infinite amount of miracles: the first time your baby really stares
into your eyes, the first time your baby falls asleep on you, and the first
time your baby gives you a huge toothless grin. These wondrous moments seem to erase all the challenges,
breastfeeding and beyond, that new mothers face. These precious times consume your thoughts.
This is what you will remember. It is these everyday miracles that make
motherhood profound. As one wise woman said, “motherhood is the shortest and
steepest path to enlightenment.” Enjoy the climb!
Embrace Your MOMentum
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